Ignoring singleplayer because of one very small point, it’s shite. I’ll be focusing on multiplayer.

The maps can be split two catagories;
1) Big maps with helicopters, tanks, APCs, towns, open fields, forrests, bridges, anti-aircraft guns, anti-armour turrents, boats, artillery, HMMWVs and jeeps.
2) Small maps with fuck all.

80% of the time, you will be playing Catagory 2 whether you fucking like it or not.

The game boosts about having “extraordinary multiplayer gameplay”. Well I don’t know where the extraordinary gameplay is but it’s not in Battlefield: Bad Company. For an army game it’s missing a lot of ordinary let a lone fucking extraordinary. There is unlimited sprint, you throw like a girl and there’s NO FUCKING PRONE.

But not to worry because the game boosts “realistically destructible environments”. YES! That’s what I am talking about! You’re in a tank! You fire at a house! You blow up the walls! You fire again! You blow up the!.. the… no just the walls. The floors, ceilings and staircases are undestructable. After discovering this fact, you’ll feel like a black man at a KKK meeting, you’ll just feel embrassed… and end up getting shot.

Overall, this game is like puking on your own shit.

And that’s when I decided to shit in my own letterbox.

Wikipedia lists Michael Jackson, Fleetwood Mac, U2, Def Leppard and Madonna as Pop Rock Artists and quite frankly, they don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. Until 2000 Pop and Rock was as clear as black and white but now it’s just a rainbow because the music industry now classes Coldplay is Rock when it clearly is the fuck not.

The proper Pop Rock genre started in 2000 when bellends like The Jonas Brothers, Avril Lavigne, McFly and Miley Cyrus came along, giving us a mash of bass guitar, electric guitar and heavy drums. Then fuck it up with their high pitch singing voices, singing shit lyrics about texting their friends about something that’s got nothing to do with fuck all.

Skipping all the rubbish at the start of the movie, the movie properly starts with a man fishing at the end of a pier in rainy Manhattan. He catches a fish! Oh it’s a bigun! The fish is putting up a fight, but he is reeling this bad boy in. Oh no wait IT’S FREAKIN’ GODZILLA and Godzilla is hacked off. But suddenly the 1000 tonne monster who is as tall as a skyscraper runs off and disappears… in Manhattan… and this brings me on to my first point.

Through out the movie Godzilla frequently comes out of nowhere and does some godzillarly stuff then runs off again into Manhattan and disappears. I don’t know that much about Godzilla, but I doubt he employs the tactic of a black man in Philly and does drive-bys.

Another problem with the movie is there is a giant monster running around, destroying Manhattan… so who do the US Army call on for help? a Dinosaur expert? a weapons specialist? No, a guy who researches worms. To add insult to injury, this worms expert completely ignores the US Army and enlists the help of the France’s answer to the CIA, Jean Reno, but that’s okay, because he can do a good Elvis impersonation.

Overall, I’d have more fun attaching jump leads to my nipples.

The President of America has invented a new sport. Drivers race their cars from the west coast to the east coast; the winner is the driver with the most points. Oh but how do you score points? By RUNNING INNOCENT CIVILIANS OVER that’s how.

This film follows one of those drivers, his name is Frankstein and he wears a gimp suit, but that’s not the most stupid part. For some unknown reason one of his hands has gone missing. So what does Gimpsuit Frank replace his missing hand with? A prosthetic hand? A hook? No, a grenade but not just any old grenade, a hand grenade.

Throughout the film, the drivers are being killed off by the Resistance Fighters, a group of hippies who feel the race is morally wrong. But they don’t just shoot the drivers, that would be far too non-funny. On one occasion, a driver is speeding down a bridge and there is a pram on the road! This driver is about to bag himself 70 points! For running over a baby! He hits it! He explodes! He! wait what?… It turns out, the Resistance Fighters loaded the pram full of dynamite and no babies were harmed during the making of the film.

The drivers are paired up with a co-driver before the race. Unlucky for Gimpsuit Frank he is paired up with a female member of the Resistance Fighters. But not it worry, they both have sex and she soon finds out Gimpsuit Frank thinks the race is too morally wrong and that the only reason he has a hand grenade hand is because if he wins the race, he gets to meet the President and shake his hand…

But the only way he can win the race is to run over as many people as possible, so really, Gimpsuit Frank doesn’t know what the flying toss he is doing because he is a contradicting moron.

This film follows the life of a redneck called Jimmy Smith Junior, who decides the nickname “Bunny Rabbit” is best suited for him (this sums up how much of an idiot he is).

The start of the film shows “Bunny Rabbit” in a basement and he is taking part in a rap battle. His opponent has just finished rapping, “Bunny Rabbit” gets the microphone and as he goes to rap he chokes… he just realised he’s the only white person in the basement and if he doesn’t get his pale buttocks out of there pronto he is going to get… well, lets just say, once you go black, you going to need a wheelchair.

He manages to escape.

Throughout the rest of the film, he starts to build his confidence. But that is only happening because he is surrounded by a bunch of morons. Which makes him feel smart.

At the end of the film, he goes back to the same basement where he choked at the start of the film. Again, his opponent has just finished rapping and “Bunny Rabbit” gets the microphone and as he goes to rap… he doesn’t choke. He only goes and insults himself, his mother, his job, and every single one of his friends (who are all standing in the front row). When he is finally finished, everyone cheers for him, because they realise if they don’t, he’ll probably kill himself.

The end scene involves “Bunny Rabbit” hugging all his friends he just insulted not only 10 minutes ago and he walks off down a dark alley way…

Where he’ll hopefully be shot.